Over the years that I’ve been in this industry I have come to some conclusions, but the most important one is that users should not be allowed access to any system. Now you may think that your whole reason for living is to serve the users, however I’d like to point a few things out on that one. I mean think of all the crappy things that you have to do during the normal working day, now think of the things that you wouldn’t have to do if the users were not allowed access to the system.

I can tell from the happy expression on your face that there is a degree of wistful thinking going on, there may even be the possibility that you agree with these sentiments. Now the first thing that you have to realise is that the system won’t fill with crap if you don’t let the users on it, however if it’s not possible to exclude the users then I have the very service that you need to run!

crapd

Announcing a exciting new tool for data center management!

Think back to the last time you had to clear down a directory full of zero length files, mainly because you’ve just run out of Inodes.

Or the last time you had to clear down a user directory the has several Gigabytes of files that end with .log

Or a mail file in /var/mail that is several Gigabytes in size, only to find out that the user left several years before!

Well the answer is right here, just run the crapd service and all will be OK.

Crapd works similar to syslogd in monitoring system error messages, but has the added function of removing offending files and utilities from the system using complex heuristics to determine the file’s “crap quotient”. Sensitivity is settable anywhere from “merely inane” to “gut-wrenching anal explosion” and can be set on a per-user basis.

Files that crapd has decided meets the above criteria are held in /usr/stool for a user-settable period of time, and then flushed to /dev/dump. Anything crapd decides is true stinking diarrhea will be sent directly to /dev/dump with no questions asked.

Crapd is especially useful for cleaning out mail spool directories, as this has been proven to be one of the most prolific accumulators of crap in the history of interactive computing.

There is, of course, a list of exceptions for crap you are required, against your better judgement, to have on the system. However, if crapd decides the list is full of crap, it will be migrated to /usr/stool.

In scientific lab test, crapd has been shown to virtually eliminate user distractions, increase system performance by 50% and reduce backup volume by an order of magnitude. Our customers report that capital equipment expenditures have been reduced significantly now that they don’t have to keep disks spun up just to keep the crap warm.

As an added bonus, crapd will search through your process table and kill off any processes that anyone who could grab their butt with both hands wouldn’t have launched during a billion year drinking binge.

Next year, a stealth option to the crap detector daemon will be available. This option adds a new “virtual crap” feature to your file systems, which causes files that have been flushed by crapd to appear to still be there. In carefully controlled lab tests, we have found that users will happily continue to append Dan Quayle jokes to a file for years without ever realizing that the directory entry has been faked and the file no longer exists.

So, be productive, be pure, get the Crap Detector!

Warning: Be sure to put Usenet News in the exceptions list, or crapd is sure to unlink the news spool directory, shoot nntpd, and set fire to your incoming news link.

Brought to you by Waste Products, Inc.
“If it’s a Waste Product, you’ll know it!”